But thats just it, he is not a kid. He is 20 years old!!!
I cant even blame it on him being a teenager anymore! Arggggggggggghhhhhhh.
Nicky my youngest son was 20 yesterday, and he has a problem.....He cannot get up for work in the mornings!
So, as a mum I make it my job to get him up (as well as his alarm clock which can easily be ignored).....'but is it my job,' I hear you ask. After all he is 20 yrs old, so he should be able to get himself up.
Now thats where my problem starts!
He stressed me out just before going to bed last night, and he stressed me out first thing this morning as I shouted at him numerous times to 'JUST GET UP!' Oh the frustration. Why cant he 'JUST GET UP!' We have to be out the door in fifteen minutes!
Then I begin to panic. Oh no not again.....
What will he do when I am in hospital?
What will he do when I am recovering at my mums?
This gets me thinking....ermmmmm does he not get up when his alarm clock goes off because he knows I will be there to shout him up? Does he rely on me? If I wasnt there would he then rely on his alarm clock?
'Right,' I think confidently. 'On monday I will not get him up. He will have to do it himself, and if he doesnt then its his problem not mine. Yes, he will learn. If he loses his job, then its his fault, after all he is 20yrs old now, a man.
Who am I trying to kid? With all the good intentions, Monday will probably be the same as every other day. I wont be able to help myself.
Am I a control freak, or just a mum worried that her son will lose his job?
Anyway, we get in the car with fifteen minutes to spare and make our way to his bosses house twenty minutes away from our home. My face is like thunder!! I cant stand this first thing in the morning. I have got to say, I have got the right ump!
I feel I am a strong christian woman who loves God with all my heart, but this morning I could have shouted and sworn at Nicky. Every tooth clenched in my mouth and every rigid bone in my body was telling me to, but I didnt. Four years ago I would have done. Instead I heard Joyce Meyers voice in my head (A mighty woman of God I watch every morning.) saying 'Just trust God. He knows whats going on in your life, he knows how you feel, so just trust him.' I hold on to those words as if my life depended on it....Well it does really....and Nicky's because right at that moment I could kill him!
His attitude stinks, its as if I am a piece of dirt, never mind that I spent a fortune on him for his birthday yesterday! Arrrrgggghhhh kids.How old is he......oh yes 20, he aint no kid!
R-e-e-e-lax! Nick is dropped off so now my day can begin. But something is not right....I still feel extremely angry and on top of that I want to cry....Oh no, not the dreaded tears....'get down I tell you! There's no need for you here.'
'Gulp!' Ah thats better....they be gone. But that horrible knotted feeling is still in my stomache, and I still wanted to punch someone.
'Ok, I am a good christian woman,' I think, finding it hard to convince myself. 'I have got to keep focused on Jesus....Ok Lord, where are you in this? Why do I feel so angry, confused, out on a limb?'
Then the revelation came! Wow!
Nicky is the youngest of my three children....so to me he is my baby...(oh dear, did I just say that?)
I had my first child Daniel at sixteen and my second child Lianne at eighteen, so from that very young age all I knew about was being a mum...My kids were my world, and that was that! and I loved it. I didnt know anything else.
But here I am now 27 yrs later facing a operation that will take the choice of having anymore children straight out of my hands. I dont want anymore children by the way, but thats my choice....but now thats gone..its the way it has to be....uh oh, here comes the tears......I dont know anything else.....My baby is 20, he doesnt need me....Lianne has a family of her own....and Danny, well you all know where Danny is......Suddenly I miss my children being little. I miss spoiling them rotten. I miss........Danny! I miss my kids....funny I know, but thats how I felt....
Without even realising, this blip has brought up all those feelings.....I am not in control!!
Without any hesitation I focus my mind on Jesus.....'Help me,' my quaky voice manages to say.....Then something deep down tells me that it is something I will have to accept...Uh oh.....My head screams 'I WILL NOT!!' But in my heart I say 'How do I do that Lord....accept something that is so hard?'
And HE says.........'Just trust me.'
Trust the lord with all of your heart
and lean not on your own understanding.
Acknowledge him in everything you do
and he WILL direct your path.
Proverbs 3 verse 5 - 6.
Friday, 16 December 2011
Thursday, 15 December 2011
Life has a habit of biting us on the bum!
Just when things start going my way, I take in a big sigh of relief and then.............
A month ago today I was given the news that had the potential of bringing me down like a tonne of bricks.....I have cervical cancer!
Not the greatest of news I know, but my diagnosis was shortly followed by 'But the good news is its first stage, so its curable.'
'Thats not so bad,' I thought as tears I desperatley try to control, escape down my cheeks. 'Its just a blip, it will be ok. I have come through worst.' And of course I was absolutely right, nothing could be as bad as what I went through nearly eight years ago. I survived the tragic death of my son, and this was nothing compared to that!
As I listened to the consultant explain I had to have a hysterectomy, the tears still flowed, and my head began to whizz, but I was strong, like I said, Its just a blip. Once the surgery was done, my life could get back to normal. I can carry on as if nothing had happened, after all, its only my womb. I didnt want any more children, so whats the big deal?
The weeks following I had a ct scan and then a mri scan, nothing to complain about.
Physically I felt fine, but then something strange started to happen.....I started to feel.
Emotions were my enemy, and I didnt like what was going on inside my head. Three years ago I would have covered them up with alcohol, but those days were well and truly over. Having a drink never even come into the picture, but the question now was, how do I deal with these emotions that where alien to me? How do I deal with these feelings that make me want to cry, yes cry...I hate crying!!!!
The logical side of me thought 'Lets make sense of it.' So I try, but I hit a brick wall. Ok, if I had had a smear when I was supposed to, then, then it wouldnt be there....that monster in my body I mean. Thats how I felt, like I had been invaded by something grosse and ugly, a entity that wanted to kill me. A bit extreme I know, but thats how I felt. But then after going to see the consultant my mind was put at ease because most of it had been taken away when I had had the colcoscopy (I think thats how its spelt.) At last, I had got my head around it, my body was free of that monster. The invasion my imagination had created was no more, my days were bright again.
I was told that my operation would be on the 5th January, so I had a couple of weeks to prepare myself. Got to get christmas out of the way first, then I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I'm in control, so lets not panic! But thats exactly what I did.....Panic.
Last sunday at church, all I wanted to do was cry...But I held back most of the tears....now I am confused....I want to run, to hide....but why??????? I am ok, its just a blip!
Its progress however because seven years ago I would have run...from what I dont know though.
The past few days my heads been all over the place. I cant think straight....Then it hit me.....Im not ill, so why do I have to put myself through that operation...Its like having a tooth out but being in no pain...whats the point? Someone asked me if I was ok, and I actually stamped my feet...I dont want to go into hospital!!!! I dont want to be helpless for a week or two!!! I dont want my life to be disrupted!!! I want normal. I dont want to get fat!!!! I dont want to get old!!!!! Oh dear, are we getting to the root of my insecurities now, I ask myself....but I dont answer.
A month ago my life was looking good. I have written two books and they are out there to buy. Things were getting better at last. The light at the end of the tunnel was getting brighter....Then this!!!
I was advised to write down my feelings, so I am. Its a bit different putting it on a blog, but you dont have to read it if you dont want to, thats the magic of the internet I suppose...Its a choice you can make....A choice I have made...Some people dont get a choice, and I am sorry for those unfortunate folk who have to battle with their mortality every day.
I thank God for my life, for my family for my friends.
If this helps someone else who feels the same way as me, then that makes it worthwhile, me writing this I mean...Its got to be one of the worst things, to feel alone...I know that one...
But the good thing about a blip is that its only a brief, temporary interruption. Yes temporary...which means it wont last forever!!!!!!!
A month ago today I was given the news that had the potential of bringing me down like a tonne of bricks.....I have cervical cancer!
Not the greatest of news I know, but my diagnosis was shortly followed by 'But the good news is its first stage, so its curable.'
'Thats not so bad,' I thought as tears I desperatley try to control, escape down my cheeks. 'Its just a blip, it will be ok. I have come through worst.' And of course I was absolutely right, nothing could be as bad as what I went through nearly eight years ago. I survived the tragic death of my son, and this was nothing compared to that!
As I listened to the consultant explain I had to have a hysterectomy, the tears still flowed, and my head began to whizz, but I was strong, like I said, Its just a blip. Once the surgery was done, my life could get back to normal. I can carry on as if nothing had happened, after all, its only my womb. I didnt want any more children, so whats the big deal?
The weeks following I had a ct scan and then a mri scan, nothing to complain about.
Physically I felt fine, but then something strange started to happen.....I started to feel.
Emotions were my enemy, and I didnt like what was going on inside my head. Three years ago I would have covered them up with alcohol, but those days were well and truly over. Having a drink never even come into the picture, but the question now was, how do I deal with these emotions that where alien to me? How do I deal with these feelings that make me want to cry, yes cry...I hate crying!!!!
The logical side of me thought 'Lets make sense of it.' So I try, but I hit a brick wall. Ok, if I had had a smear when I was supposed to, then, then it wouldnt be there....that monster in my body I mean. Thats how I felt, like I had been invaded by something grosse and ugly, a entity that wanted to kill me. A bit extreme I know, but thats how I felt. But then after going to see the consultant my mind was put at ease because most of it had been taken away when I had had the colcoscopy (I think thats how its spelt.) At last, I had got my head around it, my body was free of that monster. The invasion my imagination had created was no more, my days were bright again.
I was told that my operation would be on the 5th January, so I had a couple of weeks to prepare myself. Got to get christmas out of the way first, then I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I'm in control, so lets not panic! But thats exactly what I did.....Panic.
Last sunday at church, all I wanted to do was cry...But I held back most of the tears....now I am confused....I want to run, to hide....but why??????? I am ok, its just a blip!
Its progress however because seven years ago I would have run...from what I dont know though.
The past few days my heads been all over the place. I cant think straight....Then it hit me.....Im not ill, so why do I have to put myself through that operation...Its like having a tooth out but being in no pain...whats the point? Someone asked me if I was ok, and I actually stamped my feet...I dont want to go into hospital!!!! I dont want to be helpless for a week or two!!! I dont want my life to be disrupted!!! I want normal. I dont want to get fat!!!! I dont want to get old!!!!! Oh dear, are we getting to the root of my insecurities now, I ask myself....but I dont answer.
A month ago my life was looking good. I have written two books and they are out there to buy. Things were getting better at last. The light at the end of the tunnel was getting brighter....Then this!!!
I was advised to write down my feelings, so I am. Its a bit different putting it on a blog, but you dont have to read it if you dont want to, thats the magic of the internet I suppose...Its a choice you can make....A choice I have made...Some people dont get a choice, and I am sorry for those unfortunate folk who have to battle with their mortality every day.
I thank God for my life, for my family for my friends.
If this helps someone else who feels the same way as me, then that makes it worthwhile, me writing this I mean...Its got to be one of the worst things, to feel alone...I know that one...
But the good thing about a blip is that its only a brief, temporary interruption. Yes temporary...which means it wont last forever!!!!!!!
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