Just when things start going my way, I take in a big sigh of relief and then.............
A month ago today I was given the news that had the potential of bringing me down like a tonne of bricks.....I have cervical cancer!
Not the greatest of news I know, but my diagnosis was shortly followed by 'But the good news is its first stage, so its curable.'
'Thats not so bad,' I thought as tears I desperatley try to control, escape down my cheeks. 'Its just a blip, it will be ok. I have come through worst.' And of course I was absolutely right, nothing could be as bad as what I went through nearly eight years ago. I survived the tragic death of my son, and this was nothing compared to that!
As I listened to the consultant explain I had to have a hysterectomy, the tears still flowed, and my head began to whizz, but I was strong, like I said, Its just a blip. Once the surgery was done, my life could get back to normal. I can carry on as if nothing had happened, after all, its only my womb. I didnt want any more children, so whats the big deal?
The weeks following I had a ct scan and then a mri scan, nothing to complain about.
Physically I felt fine, but then something strange started to happen.....I started to feel.
Emotions were my enemy, and I didnt like what was going on inside my head. Three years ago I would have covered them up with alcohol, but those days were well and truly over. Having a drink never even come into the picture, but the question now was, how do I deal with these emotions that where alien to me? How do I deal with these feelings that make me want to cry, yes cry...I hate crying!!!!
The logical side of me thought 'Lets make sense of it.' So I try, but I hit a brick wall. Ok, if I had had a smear when I was supposed to, then, then it wouldnt be there....that monster in my body I mean. Thats how I felt, like I had been invaded by something grosse and ugly, a entity that wanted to kill me. A bit extreme I know, but thats how I felt. But then after going to see the consultant my mind was put at ease because most of it had been taken away when I had had the colcoscopy (I think thats how its spelt.) At last, I had got my head around it, my body was free of that monster. The invasion my imagination had created was no more, my days were bright again.
I was told that my operation would be on the 5th January, so I had a couple of weeks to prepare myself. Got to get christmas out of the way first, then I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I'm in control, so lets not panic! But thats exactly what I did.....Panic.
Last sunday at church, all I wanted to do was cry...But I held back most of the tears....now I am confused....I want to run, to hide....but why??????? I am ok, its just a blip!
Its progress however because seven years ago I would have run...from what I dont know though.
The past few days my heads been all over the place. I cant think straight....Then it hit me.....Im not ill, so why do I have to put myself through that operation...Its like having a tooth out but being in no pain...whats the point? Someone asked me if I was ok, and I actually stamped my feet...I dont want to go into hospital!!!! I dont want to be helpless for a week or two!!! I dont want my life to be disrupted!!! I want normal. I dont want to get fat!!!! I dont want to get old!!!!! Oh dear, are we getting to the root of my insecurities now, I ask myself....but I dont answer.
A month ago my life was looking good. I have written two books and they are out there to buy. Things were getting better at last. The light at the end of the tunnel was getting brighter....Then this!!!
I was advised to write down my feelings, so I am. Its a bit different putting it on a blog, but you dont have to read it if you dont want to, thats the magic of the internet I suppose...Its a choice you can make....A choice I have made...Some people dont get a choice, and I am sorry for those unfortunate folk who have to battle with their mortality every day.
I thank God for my life, for my family for my friends.
If this helps someone else who feels the same way as me, then that makes it worthwhile, me writing this I mean...Its got to be one of the worst things, to feel alone...I know that one...
But the good thing about a blip is that its only a brief, temporary interruption. Yes temporary...which means it wont last forever!!!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment